by Ellen RM Toner
Ellie
here. Hello! As some of you know, Jamey is not the only one in our household
who likes to write. A tricky part of life since last June has been that I’ve
been too out of it to really write much of anything, something I was distressed
about because I have a wretched memory and writing is how I remember all the
big things. And here we were growing a little person and I was going to get to
the end of the nine months and it was all going to be a fog! (As Jamey has
mentioned, I had HG, which means absurd amounts of vomiting and exhaustion all
through pregnancy.) I was so grateful
when Jamey started this blog; he’s given us the written record I couldn’t.
Writer in training.
One
thing I did manage to do every now and again was write to our little one. Of
course, not enough! And not with any particular point or big reveal. But I’m
glad of what we have, and I wanted to share a bit of that with you.
Sonya
Magdalena Rose was born at home last Thursday. We have had some queries about
her name, which we can understand, as we are decidedly not of Russian descent.
(By the way, we know there are multiple ways to spell and pronounce her first
name; we are saying it with an “OH” sound, as in, Hey SOHN-ya, I will PHONE-ya
later!) In one letter that I wrote to her, I explained why we chose her names,
what they mean to us. So, if you are curious about that (and a few other
things, too), here it is.
Please
do remember her in your prayers this Sunday as she is baptized and receives her
name formally. And pray for us, as we start trying to get her to heaven!
Tuesday, October 17, 2017
21 weeks and 1 day
Dear
Little Girl,
We
have had quite a week, you and I! First off, I looked down a few days ago and
realized that all of a sudden you were indeed quite visible from the outside.
It’s taken a long time for you to show, but as of last Saturday I have
officially gained my very first pound, and even went up three pounds in a week.
This, I think, means that you have been growing outrageously. At our
appointment with the Ob/Gyn last Thursday, the doctor
most hilariously said that you weigh about 3 sticks of butter, with an extra
pat or two thrown in. Way to go, little girl! You’re almost a foot tall now,
too (10.5 inches).
Other
important things that have happened: well, you surprised us a great deal by
being a little girl instead of a little boy. It’s not that we wanted a boy more
or a girl more; I just had this really strong feeling that we were having a
boy. Turns out I was very, very wrong! I can’t believe I actually get to name a
daughter Sonya Magdalena Rose. This is something I’ve been wanting to do for
like, 5 years. Thank you, little girl, for giving me the opportunity! Just so
you know, you are primarily named for the heroine of Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment. Her name means
“wisdom” and comes from the old Greek name, Sophia. She’s always been my
favorite of any heroine because she is something most surprisingly good,
lovely, profoundly redemptive and utterly generous. She’s not so much of a fine
lady that she is not intimately connected with the ugly world and people around
her, but her nobility of character means that she is never sullied by it. I
think of her as the bright light that Dickens wanted all of his leading ladies
to be, but they were usually too flat to be interesting. She is real. While I
hope and pray that you never find yourself in such desperate straits as she
did, I do hope that you have the chutzpah to meet adversity with her grace, and
also to redeem the people around you by your strength and the beauty of your
nature. As I’m sure you’ll hear from both your father and from me, Dostoevsky
famously said that beauty will save the world. God willing, you will be a part
of that.
You
are also named for St. Mary Magdalen. Like Sonya, she was a woman in a
profession that the world does not look kindly upon, but she was much beloved
and defended by Jesus Himself, and in return showed him unstinting devotion and
generosity. Again, while I don’t wish her hardships on you, I do hope and pray
that you are the sort of person who will always give to others with unmeasured
exuberance, rooted first and foremost in an unshakeable devotion to our dear
Lord, knowing that He will always be there to defend you and lift you up when
you feel like the whole world is against you. Magdalena means “lady from Magdala,” Magdala in turn being the name
of a town that means “tower.” Finally, we are calling you Rose because it fits
aesthetically with your other names, and because St. Rose of Lima has always
been one of my favorite saints (which is why she is one of my Confirmation
patrons). So, all things together, your name means something like The Wise Lady
from the Rose Tower. I do so hope that this is the sort of thing that will
interest you one day!
The
night before we “found you out” was most especially significant for your dad,
because he felt you kick for the very first time, at 20 weeks and 2 days. I’ve
been feeling you inside me for about 5 weeks now, I think, but I’ll have to go
back and check for sure. Whenever you get particularly active, usually in the
evenings when I’m lying on my back (lying on my side makes me queasy, so yes, I
do the “bad thing” and lie on my back), I’ll take your dad’s hand and put it
wherever you’re kicking. But he’s never felt you move before! He did feel what we
think was your back maybe two weeks ago, when you were curled up in a ball with
you back pressing out against my tummy, and he could feel you all compact
inside me. But that kick, little Sonya! It was such a special moment. So much
of this pregnancy has not been the joyful miracle that I hoped for and
pictured. It’s been such hard work, and terribly lonesome, and incredibly
humbling. And I don’t mean humbling in the awe-inspiring and truth-revealing
way that people sometimes mean it (or at least if it is that, I haven’t gotten
there yet). I mean humbling in the abject humiliation kind of way. Not a whole
lot of roses and happiness---just impatience and frustration and even anger at
so many things, and also shame at my physical weakness. But when your dad felt
you the first time, all of that melted away for a few blessed moments. It was
everything I hoped for and more. You kicked or punched him so hard that he
actually gasped and his whole body started in surprise, and he teared up, and
all at once because you were known to someone outside of me, you became so much
more real, not just to him but also to me. You were no longer something inside
me or maybe inside my head that only I knew or experienced; the sphere of your
little world widened the instant your dad felt you move, and because that
sphere was suddenly enlarged, I could see you better, and know you better,
because I know and love your dad so much.
I
should wrap things up now, as that wonderful father of yours has again cooked
us some dinner. Two weeks ago I offered to keep him company while he was
cooking, and he said he “needed his own space” in the kitchen. Too cute! This,
as you will one day realize, means that he has taken a huge step in owning the
cooking process and the kitchen in general. And tonight I suggested we could go
out for a bowl of soup (for me) and a burger (for him) and he said that he’s
actually rather enjoying cooking lately and would rather stay home and make
dinner. Oh Sonya. The ways in which this man has changed for you and me. Talk
about miracles!
Love
you,
Mama
Mama
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